we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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