Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
