His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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