This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
