Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
