Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
