Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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