need another drink. this is the easiest way
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
