You're earring is so big in my mouth
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
