I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
FUCK WHALES
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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