Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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