this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
