My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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