I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
