Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
