you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
