We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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