If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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