im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
