MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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