She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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