By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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