1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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