so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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