Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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