I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize