He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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