I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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