I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
