I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
