That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
