The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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