why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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