Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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