Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
