No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize