i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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