If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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