I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
