Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
