As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
