Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
