I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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