I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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