So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
