I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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