My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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