when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
