she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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