I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
