I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize