there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
