just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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