I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
