so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
