I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
