He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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