You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
