ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
